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Discussion Forums => General Discussions => Topic started by: ixlone on July 21, 2011, 09:12:42 pm

Title: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on July 21, 2011, 09:12:42 pm
My first offering:

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Zerpo on July 22, 2011, 05:34:21 am
Here is one i read awhile back

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on July 22, 2011, 05:57:39 am
Three construction workers become friends building a new skyscraper. On the day of it's completion the architect, the part-time bartender and the average rivet-pounder sit on the roof, enjoying the view and getting drunk in celebration.

The architect staggers over to the edge and starts ranting about air currents and thermodynamics, saying "...these new buildings are so tall and aerodynamically designed, that you can throw yourself off the edge and the airflow from the wind flux will push you back up to the top."

He proceeds to throw himself over the edge, to the horror of the other two. He falls about two-thirds of the way, slows to a hover and is pushed back up to the top. The rivet-pounder asks him do this from the corners and edges of the building a few times before hurling himself off the edge - to land with a meaty splat on the ground.

The bartender looks at the architect and says "Superman, you're a mean drunk."
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Mimori on July 23, 2011, 04:01:34 pm
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ryuu_zer0 on July 24, 2011, 03:19:03 pm
Helium walked into a bar.
The barman says to him, "We don't serve your type here."

Helium doesn't react.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on July 24, 2011, 03:42:03 pm
Two atoms leave a bar.
One says "Oh shit! I lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
"Yes! I'm positive!"
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: AzureHakua on July 24, 2011, 07:55:00 pm
Lol, these jokes were in my Chemistry textbook.

Also, I have a question: Are slightly racist jokes allowed? I have a few good ones, but I'd like to respect everyone's race before sharing.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on July 24, 2011, 07:55:46 pm
Can always spoiler tag it.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: InfinityStream on July 28, 2011, 07:24:45 pm
Well, it's technically a joke so...

You just lost the game.

I'm kidding.

Slightly racist (Completely racist) so I'm spoiler tagging it.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: AzureHakua on July 29, 2011, 06:15:03 am
All right, here's a racist one then...
This is a verbal joke, so it doesn't really flow well in text.

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on July 29, 2011, 10:36:05 pm
I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on August 04, 2011, 10:33:57 am
These are pretty terrible. View at your own risk. ;)

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Krozam on August 04, 2011, 10:38:30 pm
Quote from: HanoFist on August 04, 2011, 10:33:57 am
How do you make a cat go "woof"
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3gzee1cps
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on August 04, 2011, 10:46:47 pm
Quote from: Krozam on August 04, 2011, 10:38:30 pm
Quote from: HanoFist on August 04, 2011, 10:33:57 am
How do you make a cat go "woof" ...
[YT video of "Cat gets caught barking ...]

I remember that video. A much better answer. :)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: BilliumMoto on August 05, 2011, 12:43:32 am
Blonde Joke:

(click to show/hide)

Another (Not Blonde) joke:
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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Zarich on August 09, 2011, 11:16:49 pm
I think i'll do a medium one one

A General and his Cadet were on a moving train. Sitting across of them was a Women and her Beautiful eighteen year old Daughter. The train went through a tunnel and while the train was dark there was shuffling sound and a loud, Audible Slap. Once the train got out of the tunnel the mother exclaims "The Cadet tried to kiss my daughter!"

What goes through the General's mind is Wow, the Cadet steals a kiss and I'm the one getting slapped for it

What goes through the Daughter's head is The Cadet tried to kiss me but accedentally kiss my mother

What goes through the Cadet's head was That was Fun, I got to Kiss the back of my hand, Slap the General and here comes another tunnel!
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: APOCALYPSE on August 10, 2011, 12:00:14 pm
So a guy walks into a bar...

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: InfinityStream on August 10, 2011, 09:46:53 pm
@APOCALYPSE

xD
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Zarich on August 11, 2011, 06:11:39 am
I'll just post a random one that isn't really a joke and uses a lot of stereotypes.

So an Irishman, a British man and a Scotsman walk into are

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Krozam on August 13, 2011, 02:55:25 pm
Not exactly a joke, but I found this story absolutely hilarious, just had to share it. ;D

(http://www.omgsoysauce.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/nDfS9.jpg)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on August 14, 2011, 11:39:03 pm
Lmao, thanks for sharing that Krozam, +1, that was epic.

A buddy of mine showed me this, it's a little long, but it made me laugh at the end:
(click to show/hide)

Golf panties:

> The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
>
> ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, her husband demanded.
> ‘Well’ she said, ‘you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
>
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..’
>
> Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
> Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
> ‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’
> She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’
>
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear”!
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
>
> ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, ‘Ye dinnae gie me enough money tae be able tae afford any.’
>
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yersel up a bit.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on August 14, 2011, 11:49:07 pm
Not a joke, but i found it amusing.

(http://i.imgur.com/UJkoG.jpg)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Krozam on August 15, 2011, 01:21:43 am
@Nymph: Haha, your first one was also very good. +1 right back at you. ;D
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on August 15, 2011, 09:10:10 pm
The Spider-Man (Also referred to as Spidermanning):

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on August 19, 2011, 03:36:29 pm
A couple for you:

Burt was on his deathbed, with his wife Susan at his side. She held his cold hand as silent tears streamed down her face.
"Susan," he said, weakly.
"Hush," she interrupted. "Don't talk." But he insisted.
"Susan," he continued. "I have something to confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Susan. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Susan, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Susan stroked his hand. "Now, Burt, don't be concerned. I know all about it," she sobbed.
"You do?" he gasped.
"Sure. Why else would I poison you?"


   A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
   "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
   "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
   "On your way," said the officer.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on August 20, 2011, 06:47:25 pm
At a local Winery cellar door, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires
three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: CASANOVA on August 21, 2011, 09:47:28 am
here is a classic joke
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png)

another good one
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/angular_momentum.jpg)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on August 21, 2011, 05:28:02 pm
   A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
   The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother came in from out of town and named them."
   The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's an idiot!"
   She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
   "Denise."
   "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: InfinityStream on August 21, 2011, 11:29:35 pm
Got one joke and something I saw on Failbook.

Jesus can walk on water.
Humans are 70% water.
I can walk on humans.
Therefore, I am 70% Jesus.

And teh Image...
(http://i.imgur.com/qSQoc.jpg)

I lied. One moar!
(http://i.imgur.com/8ss5u.jpg)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on August 22, 2011, 01:01:08 am
   A crusty old Infantry Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
   She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
   "No," the colonel said, "I'm just serious by nature."
   The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
   The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
   The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a  conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax  and enjoy yourself."
   The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
   Finally the young lady said, "You know, l hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
   The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
   She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
   The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: PolynAzn on August 22, 2011, 12:57:30 pm
(http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/164110_498897757509_556102509_5999384_8181094_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Espionage724 on August 31, 2011, 01:53:05 am
I heard this a while back, got a quick laugh out of it:

Wanna hear a joke about my penis?
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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on August 31, 2011, 11:09:38 pm
(http://oub12.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/youshouldquitdrinking.jpg?w=489&h=204)
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Krozam on August 31, 2011, 11:30:59 pm
I don't see the joke...
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: InfinityStream on September 02, 2011, 11:54:36 pm
Maybe it's visual...?
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Espionage724 on September 04, 2011, 10:19:22 am
Quote from: Nymphetamine2791 on August 31, 2011, 11:09:38 pm
(http://oub12.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/youshouldquitdrinking.jpg?w=489&h=204)
Quote from: Krozam on August 31, 2011, 11:30:59 pm
I don't see the joke...
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on September 04, 2011, 03:11:17 pm
   Mickey Mouse calls up a divorce lawyer. He gives the background of his case on the phone and sets an appointment with one of the senior partners. The following Monday he goes into the office.
   The lawyer starts off that he fears Mickey doesn't have much of a case, since there are no grounds for divorce based on insanity. Mickey says "Hold on a minute..."
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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 04, 2011, 10:14:41 pm
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: InfinityStream on September 04, 2011, 11:22:48 pm
A few days ago, Gadhafi proclaimed that "Where I am is where the Capitol is."

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 06, 2011, 10:29:44 pm
I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance.

Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor.

Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp...

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 09, 2011, 08:30:43 pm
They say so many people die because of alcohol...

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on September 10, 2011, 05:37:39 pm
Quote from: ixlone on September 09, 2011, 08:30:43 pm
They say so many people die because of alcohol...

(click to show/hide)

I loled
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 14, 2011, 02:34:56 pm
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 20, 2011, 01:47:09 pm
What's black and sleeps with my daughter?

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on September 20, 2011, 08:11:03 pm
Quote from: ixlone on September 20, 2011, 01:47:09 pm
What's black and sleeps with my daughter?

(click to show/hide)

Rofl
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: PolynAzn on September 21, 2011, 10:37:38 pm
Quote from: ixlone on September 20, 2011, 01:47:09 pm
What's black and sleeps with my daughter?

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kinda ironic coming from ixlone though :S
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on September 29, 2011, 01:35:37 am
My teenage daughter came home in a rage. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on September 29, 2011, 06:04:54 am
Quote from: ixlone on September 29, 2011, 01:35:37 am
My teenage daughter came home in a rage. "I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

(click to show/hide)

Lol, saw that one coming XD.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on November 07, 2011, 11:33:35 pm
I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: ixlone on January 17, 2012, 05:20:28 am
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on January 18, 2012, 04:02:47 am
Lol, ouch
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on January 18, 2012, 07:55:29 am
   The heaviest element known was recently discovered by Boeing physicists. Tentatively named Administratium, it has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of energy-like bodies called morons.
   Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take more than four months to complete, when it would normally have occurred overnight. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass oddly increases after each reorganization. Administratium seems to occur naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain geographic locations such as California, Massachusetts, Texas, and the District of Columbia. Other countries have large natural deposits also.
   Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic in any concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Irie Naoki on January 18, 2012, 05:26:55 pm
Here's a joke....




SOPA
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Hanover Fist on January 18, 2012, 07:37:27 pm
THE PLAN

In the beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions,
And the Assumptions were without form
And The Plan was completely without substance in the void.
And darkness fell across the face of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
“It is a Crock of Shit, and IT STINKETH!”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:
“It is a Container of Fecal Coliforms, and it is Very Strong such that None can Abide It.”
And the Supervisors went unto the Managers and sayeth:
“It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and None can Abide It’s Strength.”
And the Managers spoke amongst themselves and sayeth:
“It contains that which Aids Plant Growth, and is Very Strong.”
And the Managers went unto the Owners, and sayeth to them:
“It Promotes Growth and is Very Powerful.”
And the Owners went unto the rest of the Board, and sayeth unto them:
“This new Plan will Actively Promote the Growth and efficiency of this Company,
and Certain Areas in Particular.”
And the Board looked upon the Plan and saw that It was Good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Nymphetamine2791 on March 24, 2012, 08:05:06 pm
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Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Krozam on August 14, 2012, 02:34:16 pm
Time to revive an old topic!

I read a very amusing column today, just had to translate it. I posted it on Pastebin:

http://pastebin.com/afThk9za
Title: Re: Share a joke...
Post by: Sumguy on June 04, 2013, 09:36:50 pm
(http://i.minus.com/jprSSznMzh6et.png) (http://minus.com/lprSSznMzh6et)