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ixlone:
My first offering:

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

(click to show/hide)I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

Zerpo:
Here is one i read awhile back

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Hanover Fist:
Three construction workers become friends building a new skyscraper. On the day of it's completion the architect, the part-time bartender and the average rivet-pounder sit on the roof, enjoying the view and getting drunk in celebration.

The architect staggers over to the edge and starts ranting about air currents and thermodynamics, saying "...these new buildings are so tall and aerodynamically designed, that you can throw yourself off the edge and the airflow from the wind flux will push you back up to the top."

He proceeds to throw himself over the edge, to the horror of the other two. He falls about two-thirds of the way, slows to a hover and is pushed back up to the top. The rivet-pounder asks him do this from the corners and edges of the building a few times before hurling himself off the edge - to land with a meaty splat on the ground.

The bartender looks at the architect and says "Superman, you're a mean drunk."

Mimori:
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

ryuu_zer0:
Helium walked into a bar.
The barman says to him, "We don't serve your type here."

Helium doesn't react.

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